What I would like you to know about suicide

Dear daughter,

Today there was a funeral held for Rehtaeh Parsons, a 17-year-old Canadian girl who was allegedly gang raped and then bullied until she hung herself. 

What I want you to know about suicide is that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Being a teenager can be hard, trust me I do understand.  I understand that sometimes it can feel like the whole world is against you, but it isn’t the whole world.  It’s some kids in your hometown who can’t wait to get out, just like you.  The 4 years of high school may feel like forever, but it’s just 4 years.  After that, some of the bullies will leave, you may leave, things will change. 

Sometimes things become too out of control even during high school that even 4 years is unbearable.  I need to know when you feel that way.  I know you think parents just make things worse, but I really can help.  There are so many options, but I need to know what is going on. It truly does get better.

For my part you need to know that you can come to me.  That is why even now, at age 8, I try not to dismiss your feelings or friend troubles at school.  I want you to know that I will be here when you really need me.

Of course, this conversation doesn’t guarantee anything.  Most teens who commit suicide have parents who love them.  Certainly Rehtaeh Parsons did.  However, I feel the more we talk about these problems, the easier it becomes to talk about them. 

I will always be here when you need me.

What I would like you to know about positive thinking

Dear daughter,

Lately, you seem to have a negative view of things going on in your life.  I know that being in third grade can be hard.  I am not being patronizing, life does get harder but you have no way to judge that yet.  I talked to you a little today about looking at the good side of things.  Yes, you have to clean the playroom, but at least you have those toys scattered all over the floor, not everyone is so lucky.  I asked you to look for something good in everything bad situation. 

I don’t know if that was the right thing to do.  I want you to be more positive for lots of reasons.  Of course, I like seeing you happy.  Also, I believe that looking at things in a positive light really does help deal with ongoing problems.  Not in a magical, The Secret kind of way, but in a real I can deal with this way.

Of course, I want you to be able to express what you feel despite it not always being “sunshine and rainbows”.  I don’t want to invalidate your feelings ever.  On the other hand, the fact that your favourite shirt is in the wash and you can’t wear it today is really not reason to declare this the worst day of your life.  I’ll wash the shirt and you can wear it tomorrow.  You do have other tops, I am not making you go to school naked (although, you might really have gone to school in your pjs if you didn’t get dressed when I threatened this!). 

I don’t want you to mistake my asking you to look on the bright side of things for the “Law of Attraction” that seems so popular lately.  That is pseudoscience at its worst.  Putting your thoughts out to the universe does nothing. The universe doesn’t care about wishes.  The universe doesn’t care, it can’t.  You’ll never fail a test or lose a game because you were worried about it.  You will fail and lose, but because you didn’t study or practice, or sometimes because that’s just the way things are.  If you gain something without working hard for it, count yourself amoung the lucky.  Most people work very hard for what they get positive thoughts or not.  But, real positive thinking can help you enjoy the present, to be happy on the journey to the things you want to achieve. 

What I want you to know is that the worst doesn’t always happen.  It doesn’t even mostly happen.  Yes, sometimes bad things happen, but we take reasonable precautions and then go on living as if those bad things won’t happen to us.  Because, most likely they won’t.  If in defiance of statistics something bad does happen,  you have family and friends who will love and support you through anything.  You really do have a lot to be thankful for and positive about. 

I on the other hand have a shirt to wash and a sinking feeling that the teenage years are coming faster than I could have wished. 

I love you.  Keep smiling.

What I want you to know about Awareness Days

Dear Daughter,

Recently your school had an Autism Awareness Day and asked all the kids to wear blue.  Of course you did.  I think awareness days are important and autism awareness in a school is especially important as it helps students to understand each other a little better… or it’s supposed to. 

Autism Awareness Day could have been a pretty good teaching opportunity at the school, so I was surprised when you came home still not even knowing what autism was or even really why you wore blue.  It’s disappointing that the school looked at the day as a photo op, but not a learning opportunity.  We did have a bit of a talk after school about Autism, so you did learn something about it that day.

I think showing support for things you believe in or want to support is good.  I have a Darwin t-shirt and am thinking of buying one of those Teach The Controversy shirts with Russell’s tea pot on it.  One of my work uniforms has pink ribbons on it, another has AIDS awareness ribbons,  and I wear a poppy every November 11th. 

Showing support is good, but getting taken in isn’t.  Owning stuff with ribbons on it to support whatever campaign you want to support is good, but spending a lot of money on items that have that particular ribbon on it is often not worth it.  Buy a few items to proudly declare your support, and then write a check or donate time to a real organization that is actually doing something for the cause.

What I want you to know about Awareness Days is that it’s good to let others know the causes you believe in and the things you support, but don’t get too caught up in the hype.  Remember that these are learning opportunities.

What I want you to know about Easter.

Dear daughter,

What I want you to know is that Easter is hard as an atheist parent.  So is Christmas.  Not because of all the Jesus stuff, you don’t care about that anyway, but because of Santa and the Easter Bunny.  I think it is a decision that every parent struggles with about whether or not to even start with these or similar fantasies (like the tooth fairy).  In your case, I decided when you were young that we would do the Easter Bunny thing.

What I want you to know is that I didn’t make this decision lightly and had multiple reasons for it.  The first, and perhaps most obvious is that we live in a small town where everyone else is Christian and follows these traditions, so that had some part in it.  But, I could have easily dealt with that if I had to.  No, my real reason for holding these traditions was based on my own learning about St. Nick.

I remember not really knowing if there was a Santa or if it was my mom.  My mom never answered me directly, there was a lot of talk about the spirit of giving and, because we were Catholic, there was a lot of talk about there actually being a St. Nick, which confused me further.  However, I remember the steps I took to find out.  I remember the realizations that came that this was something I could know.  I think this was the first time I really used my own critical thinking.

What I want you to know is that I will never bold face lie if you ask “is there an Easter Bunny”, but I will never hand you the answer either.  I want you to apply the skills you have to the question and get your own answer.  I almost think you are already part way there and just don’t want to tell me.  You are much further ahead than I was at your age.  Your friends were impressed when you went in the haunted bedroom to turn on the light even after they had seen a ghost.  You declared there was no such thing as ghosts, and when you turned the light on, figured out that they had seen a reflection in the mirror in the dark.  I would not have been as sure or as brave at your age.

Someday you will apply those skills to the tales of the tooth fairy, Santa, and the Easter Bunny and that will be good training for later in life when people will try to sell you on psychics, easy money, alien abductions, and god.

What I want you to know is that I am not always sure I made the right choice, but I know I made this choice with the best intentions.

What I want you to know about Science

Dear daughter,

Today we took a trip to Science North.  I was happy that you really seemed interested in learning about things.  Of course, mostly you just wanted to look, touch, and play and didn’t want to wait for me to read about what we were looking at, but that’s okay.  I read you a few signs anyway and pointed out some things I thought might interest you, but I understand that you learn through play and that the need to see and experience everything is form of learning on its own. 

Also, I was really proud of your behaviour.  I did have to tell you to stay with me a few times, but that is, I think, more a product of small town living than real disobedience.  You were polite to others, took turns fairly well, and used items as they were meant to be used, even if the kids around you weren’t always doing the same. 

What I want you to know is that I am thrilled that there are places like this that make science interesting and fun.  I know we do stuff at home with science, Bill Nye the Science Guy is one of your favourite shows and everyone knows animals are you obsession, but it is so good to see you exposed to science in such a fun way.  To see stuff that makes you ask why. 

Science will be an important part of your future.  No matter what you want to do in life science is a part of everything.  Science will be important to your whole generation, to future generations.  Questioning, asking why, critical thinking will serve you well in life and I was happy to see you get some of that today. 

Dear Daughter,

What I want you to know is that I am writing this blog for both of us.  For me as a way to explain and record the things you cannot yet understand, and for you as way to look at the other side of events in our very intertwined lives. 

At this writing you are 8 years old and amazing.  Of course I have loved you at every age, but there are some things about 8 that I hope you hold onto forever.  I try to tell you often not only that I love you, but that you are smart and funny and have so many good qualities.  Do I do this often enough?  Do these things get lost amoung the “hurry up”, “put it away when you are done”, “clean your desk off your desk, please”, “you are supposed to be sleeping!” of everyday.  I hope not. 

You really are such a bright girl.  I know sometimes you don’t feel that way.  Sometimes the ramifications of having ADHD means everyone is telling you to look at the question again, check that the letters/numbers are facing the right direction.  I can see you getting frustrated.  I know you wonder if you just aren’t smart enough.  What I want you to know is that those times are less important than the times when it all clicks. 

Just yesterday a supply teacher in another classroom approached me to tell me that you were an “encyclopedia” of information (Google encyclopedia to see how we knew stuff before the internet).  She had been asking the class to name some rodents (because of  Groundhog Day) and of course you named the capybara.  She didn’t know what that was, but you did.  This is not the only time this has happened.  Your regular grade 3 teacher once informed me you corrected her on the difference between speed and velocity (Thanks TMG).  Everyone who encounters you gets a little taste of just how smart you are. 

Of course being smart isn’t your only good quality.  You can be so funny, sometimes on purpose sometimes not.  Today you were breaking a “secret code” in a book Grandma had given you.  Each letter had been given a number and you had to write in the letter that corresponded to given number to figure out the words.  You did a few letters on your own pointing out to Grandma the key on the side of the page.  After a few letters you turned to Grandma and said “I bet you could do this one!”.  So cute.

That story also provides an example of how you are always trying to be kind.  You have had your tantrums and are sometimes in your own world and not considering what the consequences to your actions might be, but I don’t think you have ever tried to be mean. 

What I want you to know is you are a great kid and I recognize this even when you spill the drink I told you not to take into the living room all over the living room carpet, even when you should have been asleep for hours now and I catch you reading in bed.  No matter how angry I am or what you do, what I want you to know is that I love you. 

About this blog

This is a blog of letters I will write to my daughter. I have decided to blog them because I am hoping that by sharing the difficult (and wonderful) times and themes in my life other parents will realize that someone else is going through the same things.  And, because I want your comments.  I too want to feel that other parents have been where I am now. 

Having said that, you won’t always agree with me.  You won’t always like what I have to say or the way that I say it.  That’s fine.  I want to hear from you then too, but mostly this is for my daughter so that someday when she is (much) older she will have some understanding of where I was coming from and what I was thinking.  She won’t always agree with me either.